This year I spent New Year's Eve lying on my friend Mitzi's couch watching The Sopranos. At midnight, we briefly raised our heads off our respective pillows and noticed fireworks going off in the city around us. We muttered something bitterly to one another and returned to watching Phil Leotardo's execution.
For the first time in eight years, I was in Toronto on New Year's instead of with my ex and his family. I missed him and them badly as the clock struck midnight. Last New Year's Eve, I was scared but also hopeful. I knew we'd had a bad year but thought we were going to put it behind us. My ex even gave me a long, long hug and kiss at midnight and told me how glad he was that 2006 was behind us and a new year and a new beginning was ahead. The next morning, before our kids were awake, he made the moves on me and remarked on what a nice way that was to start 2007. A week later, I was dumped. A week after that, he was openly in another relationship.
So I suppose maybe it's not too surprising that as 2008 gets under way, I have no real hopes and dreams for the year to come. Do I hope for love? No. I don't want it. I don't want to hurt or be hurt, and that's all that romantic love has meant for me. I don't dream of the future anymore in terms of nice vacations or new furnishings or anything like that, because I am too broke as a single mother pretty much raising my kids on my own and going from paycheque to paycheque.
What I do hope for is that my kids continue to recover from the shock of 2007, and that I continue to nurture the wonderful friendships that have helped me survive the year. But I do find it to be an odd place, not having hopes and dreams for the future. Very odd indeed. Maybe it is the smart way to be, because if something wonderful does come my way this year, I will be pleasantly surprised.
17 comments:
The year's already started off on the right foot, you spelled paycheque correctly. This is encouraging news indeed.
Hooray!!!
I'm thrilled she used "under way" properly.
Jacy: I know where you are and how you're feeling. I'm just lucky I didn't have children when I went through my horrible, painful breakup with the Beloved Ex.
But things will get better. You're still going through the healing process. He was a sh*t to you ... you didn't deserve this treatment ... so you're going to be off-kilter for a while.
You're much too wonderful and loving (and as hawt as Samantha) to be alone. When the time is right, it will happen. (Look at old moi.) Just don't focus on falling in love with someone new. Focus on falling in love with Jacy, falling in love with your new life and opportunities, staying in love with your friends.
I promise you it will get better. Or I'll come up and take you out next New Year's Eve.
You are an angel and this kind of made me cry. So true and so wise, and that is exactly what I am going to try to do this year.
Not having hopes and dreams maybe isn't that bad, as none of those things are real. I mean that while focussing on those things in the future, you don't experience the one thing you do have control over: the present moment. Dreams, shmeams. Follow your bliss, whether it's spinning, friends, your children or grammar, that's always better anyway.
You're right, Fritz!
Most of my friends are divorced, so it's almost as if I expect my husband to dump on me the way these assholes dumped on my friends. In fact, sometimes I get mad at my husband for no reason other than the fact he's a male. Your story, while sickening, is right up there with my friends' so just know that you are not alone. I hope that one day you find love again because you are such a wonderful person--that comes through so much in your posts. Don't you get support from your kids' father (who you've said is not your most recent ex)? I don't know the laws in Ontario, but I hope you have a good lawyer because even jerk #2 should have given you something since he was able to jet off to Paris with the woman who shall not be named.
I hope to have lunch again with you and the dreamy Bumblebee man. I wish Beth could join us too. And Fritzi too, I guess, only I don't know her, but I don't want her to feel left out. Hi Fritzi!
Tanya: We'll get Fritzi out.
Anon: Ex No. 1 the cheapest man alive. He should be giving me some money. He doesn't due to very complicated reasons that have to do with our initial 50/50 custody agreement. I am trying to muster up the balls this year to take him on, but I like him, and so don't relish the fight.
Ex No. 2 has been very generous, enabled me to stay in the house and owes me nothing more.
But thanks for your kind words. They are really appreciated.
And believe me, there are many wonderful and beautiful men out there and your husband is probably one of them. I had one once, but partially corrupted him, and have only myself to blame.
He's a nice man so you don't want to take him on? This money is your children's money and they need you to act on their behalf. It is sickening how many men don't want to pay for the kids they brought into the world. Trust me, your children will thank you one day.
Jacy, it's good that your ex is nice. That means he'll totally understand that you deserve what's fair.
It doesn't mean you're being a bitch (not that there's anything wrong with that) but you're just asking for what's due to you.
Would thinking of it like a business transaction help?
I never said he was nice. I said I liked him.
But he is a mentalcase about money. All he'll do is say: "OK, I want to go back to 50/50 then so the kids are with me half the time."
And the kids will be miserable because he is a hard-ass as a parent and totally impatient. Which is why we broke up, when I really think about it. He was very difficult to be married to.
Which means I'd have to take him to court, and it would get totally ugly, and I am not sure I have the stomach for it, not to mention the money for a retainer. And it would cause so much ill will, and everything would be poisoned for the kids, who have been through enough.
This is where my head is at, anyway. Not sure if it's right or wrong.
Hm, yes, I see what you mean. That stinks. Well, let me know what I can offer for a distraction.
Aren't your kids plenty old enough to decide which parent they want to live with? It sounds as if they made their decision long ago, as is their right, at least here in the States, where age 12 seems to be the magic age. Why do you like him? There is nothing likable about a guy who won't support his kids. I understand you've been through a lot Jacy, but this is crazy.
Sometimes I don't know why I like him, to be honest.
Had a big fight with him Christmas Eve about this stuff -- very Jerry Springer!! -- because he was being so cheap about the gifts.
I do feel he has been taking advantage of my generosity and my unwillingness to take him on for a long time, so yes, you're right, I should try to figure out what to do about it.
What do you mean, you partially corrupted your ex? Also, what happened to Tearfree?
Don't assume I was referring to my ex. We all have a great one who got away.
Tearfree: She's here.
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