I Am In Intense Relationship ... With My Laptop

It has come to my realization that I really don't have time for a boyfriend, not even a hottie casual boyfriend who makes utterly no demands but makes me laugh. My priorities in life are as follows:

1. Kids
2. Work
3. Spinning
4. Laptop

The wonderful thing about marriage -- among the many wonderful things -- is that you know that no matter how hectic and busy life gets, every night you will get into bed with one another and spoon. The thing I most miss about my marriage is climbing into bed with my husband every night and clinging to him, and hearing him murmur in gratitude every time I did, even when things were falling apart. It was the favourite part of my day, and in many ways the favourite part of my life.

My point is not to get morose here, but to point out that unless you live with someone, it's hard to squeeze in a boyfriend/girlfriend. I just don't have enough hours in the day or enough nights to myself. Rico Suave has been understanding but it's clear he wants and deserves someone with a bit more time for him, which I do not have and likely will not have for years.

And besides, I am actually already in a very serious relationship. With my laptop.

My laptop has pretty much become my replacement husband. Whereas I used to cook dinner and cuddle up in my husband's lap at the kitchen table while waiting for the water to boil, now I sit at the kitchen table with my laptop and read Gawker.com or the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. Whereas I used to look forward to climbing into bed at 10 p.m. to catch up with my husband and cuddle, now I count down the hours til I get to climb into bed and fire up the laptop. The laptop provides me with a lot: entertaining and thought-provoking reading material, friendship via all the blogs I love to read and the commenters who have become friends, even sexual satisfaction if necessary (though I feel so dirty immediately afterwards). In short, the laptop is almost as wonderful as a husband, except for the fact that it can't tell you how much it loves you or rub your aching neck. And if you are feeling particularly loving towards the laptop, it doesn't really respond to your caresses and kisses.

But it will do for now. Because my laptop is very low-maintenance, demands nothing of me and is true to me. No one else can log onto him. He's all mine.