I have never been a huge weeper. I bawled hard when my pets died or had to be put to sleep. But even when my adored father died a few months after having a terrible stroke, I didn't wail much. He died as I was joking around with my brother in his hospital room while mopping his forehead with a warm washcloth (my father's, not my brother's), and admittedly I bawled pretty hard for hours after that shocking incident. But then the tears dried up, even at his funeral, and not for lack of grief. I just wasn't a weepy woman.
But when my marriage broke up, I bawled many, many times a day for months. I cried at work, at home, in public, at friends' houses, walking past his girlfriend's office, wandering the neighbourhood looking for a stubborn cat ... I wept so much, so often that I wondered how my body could possibly produce any more tears (is it like breast milk -- the more you produce, the more you have?) And so I was feeling really feeling proud of myself lately because I hadn't cried about my marital breakup since July 18. Not once. When I started to feel the tears welling up, I ordered them to go away. They didn't even well up at all in Spain, and not really since I returned. I was really feeling like I was turning a corner.
This weekend, there was a setback -- and right after that uplifting Friday with the compliment from the beautiful stranger! My estranged husband did something that hurt and angered me and I got mad and cried and ranted and cried and ranted and cried and ranted and cried and ranted some more. The weekend has ended, however, with me merely feeling remorseful and ashamed about the ranting, as I always do, and so no more ranting, just crying and crying and crying and crying some more. I haven't left the house all weekend. My children think I have the flu and keep bringing me drinks and cold washcloths. If they know I am crying, they are too polite to say so, and I am adept at hiding it when I hear them coming upstairs to my bedroom/office. I also managed to make spaghetti and meatballs and peach cobbler for dinner without weeping into the bowls and pots and pans.
So now I have to start my no-crying count all over again. I had gone past the one-month mark! And now I have to start it all over again, and try to return to being the kind of woman who doesn't cry very often.
Go away, tears. Piss right off.
13 comments:
Maybe you were holding it all up for one big almighty blow-out.
I hope so. I don't want to return to the days of weeping while I put my garbage out!
While I wish that you no longer had cause to feel such devastaion, I think that it is good that you are crying. Not only is it a normal emotional response to what you are going through, it is also your body's efforts to help to heal you. When you cry you flush out toxins that are produced from stress and your brain releases beta endorphins, which will help you to feel better. I think that this tears = weakness stuff is really some sort of patriarchal crap. There is no shame in crying, it shows your humanity. And while you don't want to put your children into a position where they feel that they have to look after you or frighten them, I think it is okay for them to see you cry a little. It will show them that tears and sadness are not to be feared or hidden and that while you are feeling badly right now, things will be okay.
Wow, thanks Fritzi!
It's like those signs you see at worksites. "XX (many) days accident free!"
And I too am a big advocate of the crying. I'm a big bawler, but I save them up for important stuff. Like sappy movies, sappy books, sappy tv commercials. When Sarge left on deployment, not a tear to be seen, what's up with that?!
The only reason I say stop crying is that you utterly out-class your ex in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. There is not one front where you didn't have him beat -- parenting, talent, maturity, professionalism, charm, looks, belovedness, smarts, integrity, courage, kindness, etc -- and you obviously out-class your latest (!) replacement as well, and so your tears are wasted on him.
A Kodak commercial is in fact more deserving of your tears.
Brutal having to walk past his girlfriend's office. What is it? A strip joint?
Yeah, and if you keep crying, your eyes get all puffy and your nose runs and then you end up with a headache....
(but you do continue to look fabulous, even if you don't feel it right now)
:)
I cry over everything. always have, probably always will. Its really embarrassing when I weep at school concerts. Hate it. wish someone could tell me what to do to stop.
That is the ONE place where I always burst into tears. Especially when they were really little and singing their little hearts out.
So sorry you relapsed. It will happen from time to time in the coming year, but at least you know you'll come out of it okay.
Bastard ex, messin' with our Jacy. Shall we attack him with nasty comments?
It seems people already are. I don't even know who "jacy friend" is -- no one is fessing up!
I am a weepy one too. Best thing I've found is to just be with it. Sometimes I cry over things that other people find trivial. Their response has nothing to do with me.
When I was really going through it at my last job and went to HR about my bitch of a boss, the HR rep twice tried to get me to stop crying and I got really pissed and said to her, "Don't try to make me wrong for crying." Remember the recent Kleenex ad campaign with the therapist on the street getting people to share their feelings? The best ad was with the woman that said "My tears don't compromise my strength." That's powerful.
(If you cry in the shower, btw, there's no swelling or puffiness. And be sure to drink lots of water since crying is dehydrating.)
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