Help me understand this. I have been an atheist my whole life, and not just a run-of-the-mill atheist, but quite a devout and passionate atheist. Religious people annoy me. I have known to spew: "That's like believing in Santa Claus!" over heated dinner party discussions. While I envy people having something from which to draw strength during difficult times, and for their ability to accept what terrible travails life throws at them as simply"God's will," I never quite grasped the suspension of disbelief that being religious seems to require.
And yet for the past two months, every night when I get into bed, I clasp my hands together and pray to someone, I don't know who, for strength and courage and wisdom in dealing with the breakup of my marriage, my heartbreak, my children's heartbreak and whatever the world's got in store for us. (Cue up Wilco song: "What's The World Got in Store?" -- a great empowering song if you don't know it.)
At first I don't think I even realized I was doing it. Then I started to wonder: Who exactly am I praying to? Is it my dead father? My dead friends, Dave and Daryl? My dead grandmothers who were gone before I was born? Who? Could it be I am praying to ..... GOD???!!??!! When I don't believe there is a God? And could it mean that perhaps there IS a God if I am suddenly, almost unconsciously, praying to him every night??? Has the Lord Jesus entered my soul???!!?? Will I find myself in church in a couple of Sundays singing hymns and putting that thing in my mouth? No, not priest-meat, I mean that wafer thingy!
For God's sake, is there really a god***ned God??!!???!!! Or would I pray to a Shetland pony right now if it would make me feel better?
And yet for the past two months, every night when I get into bed, I clasp my hands together and pray to someone, I don't know who, for strength and courage and wisdom in dealing with the breakup of my marriage, my heartbreak, my children's heartbreak and whatever the world's got in store for us. (Cue up Wilco song: "What's The World Got in Store?" -- a great empowering song if you don't know it.)
At first I don't think I even realized I was doing it. Then I started to wonder: Who exactly am I praying to? Is it my dead father? My dead friends, Dave and Daryl? My dead grandmothers who were gone before I was born? Who? Could it be I am praying to ..... GOD???!!??!! When I don't believe there is a God? And could it mean that perhaps there IS a God if I am suddenly, almost unconsciously, praying to him every night??? Has the Lord Jesus entered my soul???!!?? Will I find myself in church in a couple of Sundays singing hymns and putting that thing in my mouth? No, not priest-meat, I mean that wafer thingy!
For God's sake, is there really a god***ned God??!!???!!! Or would I pray to a Shetland pony right now if it would make me feel better?
4 comments:
A wise person once told me, when I was facing difficult times, that you can have faith without being religious. I think that's what you're experiencing.
Sometimes the act of articulating your fears, needs for strength and hope is therapeutic. That's not to say there is or isn't a God, just that people sometimes need to hear themselves speak in order to make sense.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Wilco song.
"You've been working hard and I know you're tired; I've been trying hard not to feel like a liar."
I get emotional just singing it to myself.
"What's the world got in store for you now?"
Sob.
Being There might be my favourite album of all time.
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